The Slurpee Capital of the World, as determined by the highest average sales of Slurpees per store, goes not to a hot, sweaty location like Florida, Texas, or Arizona; nor to a place known for startling amounts of sugar consumption like Utah (think jello). No; surprisingly, the champ for the 15TH YEAR IN A ROW is Manitoba, Canada, a province famous for polar bears, frostbite, and being north of North Dakota. My first thought was that this made no sense whatsoever--why on earth would a place that was already so superlatively chilled consume the most Slurpees of any place in the world?
The reasoning behind the massive and bizarre Slurpee consumption in Manitoba becomes more apparent based on the following interview from the WSJ:
One local stated that, “Nothing makes you thirstier than shoveling a couple of feet of snow.” Since parts of Manitoba are, unbelievably, even farther north than Minnesota, and since they receive as much as 87 inches of snowfall annually, it makes sense that these folks get rather thirsty. And when they do, they need something to effectively recharge their depleted energy levels. Perhaps this further explains why some Manitobites like to “boost” their Slurpees with something a little more edgy. Vodka for example. I’m not kidding. As the article states, “To some Manitobans [oh], nothing beats a nippy winter night like a Slurpee with a nip of alcohol.” If there is low participation in the Slurpee Designated Driver Program, blame it on Minute Maid Cherry.
A spokeswoman for 7-11 suggested that Manitobans “have a greater appreciation for everything that’s cold.” NOW I get it. It’s all relative. Slurpees to a Canadian are probably like hot cocoa to you and I. Either that or their Slurpee brain-freeze has reached permafrost levels. This is the only possible explanation for the following true story, also reported in the WSJ. “Last December, during Winnipeg's coldest winter since 1898, [a certain Manitoban mama] took three of her children for Slurpees on a day with a wind chill of 60 degrees below zero. To protect their hands from the cold, she had them wear gloves and wrap cardboard coffee sleeves around the drinks.” Then they all came home and jumped in the pool, but it’s okay because they had t-shirts to toss on over their swimsuits when they got out.
Speaking of brain freeze, did you know that: “An ice-cream headache, also known as brain freeze, cold-rush, cold-stimulus headache, or its given scientific name sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia (meaning "nerve pain of the sphenopalatine ganglion"-and is also considered a misnomer since the pain nerves have nothing to do with the sphenopalatine/pterygopalatine ganglion, but travel along the trigeminal nerves [however, it is far too late to change the scientific name now, because sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia is so catchy. How dull is it to say trigeminal...something or other...neuralgia”?]),* is a form of brief cranial pain or headache commonly associated with consumption (particularly quick consumption [thank you for clarifying]) of cold beverages or foods such as ice cream and ice pops [and frozen drinks with flavoring].”
Even more surprising than the fact that Manitobans are the Slurpee Consuming Champs of the world is the fact that there is actually a US city which begrudges Manitoba this title--or at the very least one distinctly disgruntled dude does. In 2008, residents of Kennewick, WA believed they had a lock on the championship. Mr. Maraschino (or something like that), who owns a 7-11 franchise in Kennewick, cried foul. He “alleges the rules were changed to count the number of cups of Slurpees sold and not the volume, putting his store at a disadvantage.” One would think that sucking down ounces and ounces of semi-melted, carbonated mixtures of high fructose corn syrup, flavoring, and water would be its own reward. He did, however, graciously concede the fact that “it’s all Slurpee under the bridge.”
If you’re not feeling sufficiently enlightened after this one, blame it on the permafrost. That 2 ounces did me in.
* Creative and liberal use of punctuation marks brought to you by approximately ⅙ of a rapidly consumed blue, semi-frozen, carbonated, flavored, beverage mixture. I am way too lame for Manitoba.
