Critter Sampling

Back when our boys were very young, I fell victim to an unsubstantiated rumor that pets not only provided kids with companionship but taught them responsibility. Having myself grown up with a variety of critters underfoot, I was totally in favor of this excellent idea. I would teach my future world leaders Conscientiousness by getting them a small beast to care for and have dominion over. We settled on two little gerbils, which looked suspiciously like something you would normally want to trap and toss in a trash can, since we were then living in a pet-free rental and rodents don’t count as actual pets. However, I quickly learned that even a 4-year-old needs constant reminding to feed the little nippers (literally), but is not able to singlehandedly change the litter in a 10-gallon aquarium...without which chore the whole house quickly takes on the smell of a poorly run day care center. As a side note, I also learned that you cannot really save money on gerbil toys by building your own little DUPLO houses, futons, or hot tubs, because no matter how cute, practical, or well-designed they are, the gerbils will simply eat them, bolsters and all.

Over the ensuing years, we sampled a variety of pets: feral cats, random non-edible fish, more rodents (fluffy ones this time, because somehow that makes a difference), a mildly deranged Bichon Frise, and a hand-me-down classroom turtle. I am not including on this list the small army of pill bugs, owned at the time by my 8 year old daughter. Despite the fact that she named them, and that she became inconsolably morose when she lost track of them in her bedroom, they did not count as actual pets because: A- We never fed them nor had them spayed or neutered; and B- Most of them wound up in the dryer lint trap within the first 48-72 hours anyway. Did my children learn responsibility? As I think back and picture various scenes of accidental pet death and dismemberment, I’d say “culpability” is more accurate.

Despite the reality of pet ownership experienced by families such as ours, there are still folks pushing the agenda that pets are good for kids, as part of a complete breakfast. But seriously, here is what I have read about the benefits of pets:
Pets help with learning. True. See the last sentence in the above paragraph; it’s a circle of life kind of thing.
Pets encourage nurturing. We probably didn’t see much pet nurturing until we allowed our young daughter to paint a pet rock for herself.
Pets provide comfort. I struggled a bit with this one. The rodents, who dig their pointy little fangs into your fingertips? The fish, or the feral cats, who don’t seem to enjoy belly rubs? The Bichon Frise, who is almost constantly in a Time Out for having pooped on the sofa AGAIN? Or the hand-me-down turtle, who hangs out in his shell 23.75/7, with a little thought bubble over his head which reads, “Forget lettuce. Bring collard greens.”? Fortunately, after a few minutes, I envisioned the comfort of having a pill bug in your pocket, while you stand at the front of the class, reciting times tables. But please do remember to take it out before you throw those pants in the laundry.
Pets keep kids healthy. Our experience was more in the vein of stitches, rabies shots, life-threatening asthma attacks, and months of therapy (see the last sentence, paragraph two, above). However, some doctors believe that “having multiple pets actually decreases a child's risk of developing certain allergies.” One theory: "When a child plays with a dog or a cat, the animals usually lick him.” [Note: turtles generally do not lick human children because they are still holding out for collard greens. If they do not get them soon, however, your child or her pill bugs may be considered adequate substitutes.] "That lick transfers bacteria that live in animals' mouths, and the exposure to the bacteria may change the way the child's immune system responds to other allergens." If the immune system does not respond properly, and the child still develops allergies, you can now experience the joys of owning bacteria.
Pets build family bonds. Because nothing fosters sibling solidarity like hiding out together in a bedroom closet while mom or dad are looking for someone to scoop the litter box.

Comet, our six-year-old Golden Retriever, is the happy ending to this tale (read: there ain’t no dang WAY we are doing any more pets after this one goes). From this sweet, loyal, and very hairy dog, we have learned:

1. that dogs and little girls can and do swap clothes and bedding, but you should draw the line at toothbrushes;
2. that dogs occasionally need their ear wax dug out, preferably by the resident middle-aged lady who has nothing better to do with her time;
3. that, from a dog’s point of view, pretty much ANYthing is worth licking once, partly because there is always someone to clean up puke for you (see #2 above);
4. that Golden Retriever hair always finds it way from the vacuum bag back into the house, unless you drive the vacuum to a fairly distant landfill and have someone else dispose of it--the entire vacuum--for you;
5. that dogs are more loyal and loving companions than most varieties of rodents--and they don't eat their young.

If only we had gotten this little sweetheart years sooner!  Just think of the money we could have saved on DUPLO.

Where Seals, Seraphic Beings, and Spiro Agnew Meet

Every single day, hundreds of my friends ask me, “Barbara, with all the beautifully gripping, lusciously gritty, and downright electronic TV shows out there, why on earth do you never, EVER watch TV, with the occasional exception of Sesame Street, NBC nightly news, Cardinals baseball games, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Sherlock, Downton Abbey, Storage Wars, and Monster High?” Okay, I’m exaggerating for the sake of effect again--I only have two friends, and Comet doesn’t actually know that much English. Usually, I just quickly and uncomfortably change the subject because I don’t want my friends to feel bad about themselves when they realize that I am far too cerebral, cultured, and au courant for them (said the woman who recently blogged about the toilet tech fair). But the reality is that with all the happily diverting articles in the newspaper keeping me engrossed for half hours on end, who needs TV? And people wonder what I do all day now that I no longer homeschool….

Take the recent article about the secessionist movement in rural northern California to create the 51st state of the United States, the esteemed and beloved state of Bush. Just kidding! But wouldn’t that make a completely awesome name for a state? Instead they want to name it Jefferson. boring. Even some of the completely forgettable presidents, whose names I had to look up because I couldn’t remember them, of this great nation have names with more far interesting imagery associated with them, such as Garfield (fat orange cat), Pierce (loud, funny doctor on MASH), Johnson (No More Tears, No More Tangles), and Cleveland (that hopping place in...um...Dakota Something). Or throw in a few vice-presidents and you get such fan favorites as Agnew, Quayle, and Cheney.  Who needs imagery? (As a side note: I love some of their first names even more. How about Elbridge, Spiro, or--everyone’s favorite--Hannibal?)

But coming up with a name for this new state is inconsequential, insignificant, and irrelevant compared with other truly weighty matters to be considered in pondering secession from their current state, for example, designing The Great Seal of the State of Jefferson. You may ask, and rightly so, “Barbara, what exactly is a state seal? It sounds very official and important, and I hunger for enlightenment.”  From the website, www.greatseal.com: “A seal is a pictorial sign that signifies and identifies an individual or group….

“Seals have been used since the dawn of civilization.... For the past 6,000 years, cultures old and new have used seals to indicate ownership, for security reasons, and to formalize contracts and agreements.”

When one looks through the seals of the various states of the United States of America, one discovers a beautiful world of symbolism and imagery, designed to convey to the observer an inspiring and uplifting sense of the history, the culture, or perhaps the wondrous and unique landscape of an incomparable and peerless territory: a gloriously rising sun, majestic animals, verdant greenery, peaceful bodies of water, stately mountains, seraphic and supernal beings, and bounteous cornucopias lavishly flowing with vibrantly hued harvests. It is positively breath-taking--or at least that last sentence is when read aloud. Now that you are in a sufficiently enraptured state of anticipation, prepare your heart and your soul to behold the Seal of the Great State of Jefferson:

I am fairly confident they didn’t even spring for an upgraded font. But I fear I have done the respected and beloved future state of Jefferson an unforgivable disservice in not displaying adequate reverence for the rich symbolism of this venerable insignia. Therefore, it is with the most sincere contrition which I can possibly fake that I now exhibit a more worthy display of the seal, one which ensures true thoughtful and solemn discovery of the deeper, richer symbolism:

I know if I  were to choose a pictorial sign to signify or identify myself or my group, this would absolutely be in my top 13 or 14. In fact, I’m going to order a commemorative t-shirt right now...or at least once this next episode of Duck Dynasty is over.