As Ken and I discussed a recent visit to my hairdresser, he paraphrased one of our favorite quotes: “The one constant in all your failed haircuts is you.” It’s true. I can count on three fingers the number of times I have been completely satisfied with a haircut in the past, say 25 years. (It would be unfair to count anything before that because as a youth, I truly had no taste, as evidenced by the fact that I thought McDonald’s french fries were pretty good, and I actually enjoyed several songs by Bob Seeger and the Silver Bullet Band.)
When I come home from getting my hair done...actually, let me back up a little more: Once I hop into the car after getting my hair done, the first thing I do is splash some water from my water bottle onto my hands and plaster my hair back down to an almost normal look. Why do hairdressers seem to have this need to give me super-boof-dos? I’m not too crazy about the Tiny Middle-Aged Lady With Super-Sized Hair look. I suppose it’s possible that after careful consideration, they have decided that I could use the extra height, but no matter how tall my hair is, I still can’t reach most of the stuff in my cupboards without climbing up on the counter.
When I get home from getting my hair done, my husband cautiously asks how it went this time. Whether I’ve gone to a highly recommended $50 a pop Salon and Spa with an unpronounceable Italian name or to a chain salon with a name like “Kutz 4 Cheep”, my usual response is, “I’ll have to give it a couple of days.” But within a day or two I will be able to answer definitively that the bangs are too short, or it’s too short all over, or it’s too short over my ears (I have been white-walled at least three times in the last year); that the left side was left longer than the right, the right side was left longer than the left, the length at the back is crooked; OR that the shape is all wrong, or it’s too blunt, or too choppy; or they left the back way too long, and now I feel like my mullet and I should be singing backup for some One-Hit Wonder 80s band.
Why is it so difficult to get a decent haircut? Part of the problem is that, frankly, I am really not very good at speaking Salonese. There was a time many years ago that I tried to describe to a new hairdresser a hairdo with flipped ends, without actually being familiar with the term “flipped”, and I wound up with hair that was full on the top and sides, tapered at the base of my head, and longer again at the collar, as though I had decided to chop off a mullet and changed my mind halfway through. It is always best to choose your words carefully. For example, when your stylist asks how you liked the last haircut she gave you, you should look straight into the eyes of this person who is currently wielding a very sharp pair of scissors, and will soon have your arms pinned down under a heavy plastic cape, and lie through your teeth.
One of these days when I am brave, I’m just going to go to Ken’s barber and get the same haircut he has--Ken, that is, not his barber. It takes him all of 8 seconds to style it, and by that I mean wetting his hands and slapping the heck out of his noggin until he gets the pokey little devils to flatten down. In the mean time, I guess I’ll just continue to make my haircut appointments few and far between, and brush up on my New Wave dance moves, just in case.
Your hair always looks great though! I think you should try the bamboo salon in lake buena vista on Palm Parkway. Only two hair dressers work there and they are amazing and super sweet! Dimas was always unsatisfied with his haircuts until I got him to go there. You dont have to speak "Salonese" lol they listen to exactly what you want and dont want along the way. Ask for Miranda, she works wonders! Im considering driving 18 hours down to florida the next time I need a haircut! lol. But for real, they are amazing...and they do not charge 50$ per haircut. I was sad to move so far away from that salon.
ReplyDeleteYou are too kind--not just the compliment, but also the recommendation! I was just trying to write something that I thought other people might be able to relate to, but this is a great bonus. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the suggestion--I'll definitely give them a call!
DeleteI chuckled at the "no matter how tall my hair is, I still can’t reach most of the stuff in my cupboards without climbing up on the counter." Short people jokes.
ReplyDeleteIt's true, hair stylists always want to make hair as big as possible. I've been going with a cut similar to yours lately but you have to s.p.e.l.l. e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. o.u.t. for them. I mentioned that I liked it a little longer on the top and kept getting wedge cuts, which wind up looking very bowl-cut shaped on me. So this last time, I said, "Give me a pixie, but a little longer than a pixie. Trim the bangs a smidgen, don't cut it over the years, chop the rest." Which is exactly what she did. The problem? She cut NOTHING by the ears. She didn't just not cut it over the ears, she didn't cut any of the hair around my ears, so I have all this perkiness over my head and flat areas on the sides of my head. Oh and I have a massive cowlick at the back of my head. She cut back there and then razor cut and now my hair pokes up and I can't hide the cowlick. You can see my scalp. *sigh*
The only positive? I go to one of the cheap places, Hair Whackers R Us, so at least I can say that I didn't spend a fortune on a bad cut. I do wish sometimes it were socially acceptable for women to shave their heads because it's super tempting sometimes.
I kept using the "grown out pixie with longer bangs" phrase, but evidently different people understand that to mean vastly different things, evidently.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not joking about the counters. One of those instances where the truth is sufficiently humorous.
evidently evidently
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